Yesterday Jeff Sessions made it clear that everyone complaining about the U.S. Government kidnapping children from asylum-seekers, or worse, complaining about when the U.S. government then starts shoving them into kennels or just flat out losing said kids in the ‘system’ should take a breath, sit down, and really just shut up the fuck up about it already.
Why? Because God said so, that’s why.
You see, friends, since God placed Sessions and everyone else in the Trump administration in authority, ipso-facto-fuckers, they have carte blanche to do anything they want. Anything. It’s all right there in Hebrews 13:1-6, a verse Sessions smirkingly quoted because he knew it was sandwiched between a fuckload of verses about caring about other people and that quoting them back at him would be the first thing any of us would bother doing. But that fundamentally proves his point though, doesn’t it?
The Trump Administration won the election and now wields authority that not even God himself would question… no… that God himself wouldn’t dare challenge. It’s a fact Sarah Huckabee Sanders would reiterate in her press briefing later that day. And I think they may have just found a way to cow the evangelical and semi-serious about religion demographics to turn their back on children after all that pro-life shit they’ve been up to for 50 years.
To which I say, well played. No one’s more interested in seeing the hypocrisy of the overly self-righteous put on display than I.
Still, it’s disappointing to think about how evangelicals will undoubtedly ignore the sociopathic nature of edicts of heaven. Celebrating one of God’s elect but lamenting another is incoherent in a way that gets discussed at some point. I’m legitimately surprised there isn’t a louder chorus noticing it coming from some of the better-equipped pulpits. Oh well, anyway “fuck you, human kindness” is our biblical lesson from the office of the AG. Oh, that’s right, its because we’ve been awaiting the return of Jesus any day now for at least 140 years and every president is distinctively part of the apocalypse in some way shape or form.
This reminded me of something that popped up in my twitter feed a few days ago:
I just came across this on the page of a person who decided to follow me, a so called “prayer warrior”(Needless to say I blocked him). I cannot believe the bullshit these people believe, they actually think Trump is a gift from God.
Retweet if this makes you physically nauseous! pic.twitter.com/Ecbz0hYztS
— (@ItsMeCathi) June 13, 2018
You can imagine my surprise when I stumbled across this pleathery “COMMANDER IN CHIEF PROPHECY 1” that had somehow escaped the borders of Christian ‘Awoke’ Twitter and slimed Cathleen Burke over on Liberal ‘Woke’ Twitter.
Prophecy. I forgot about you. How did I forget about you? I run a blog called ‘Tarotbytes‘ like I read tarot or something.
It’s almost as if, maybe one day I might possibly one day actually talk about divination. Heh, let’s go throw cards on the likelihood of that ever happening.
It’s always been interesting to me how this strange undercurrent of prophetic woo-woo thought persists within the church and ultimately carries hefty influence it otherwise shouldn’t. I’ve had some time to think about prophets and prophecy since I lost my faith and then found whatever the hell this is, and my thoughts have changed on it substantially:
- It’s completely misunderstood by most evangelicals in the first place,
- There’s some technology I’ve seen deployed by prophetic worship music that I haven’t seen an analog for in Occult circles
- and finally, it just fucking owns.
It’s basically the church’s wild west, there are basically no rules and within the ranks of evangelical prophets, you find two distinct flavors: authors and clairvoyants.
It’s super impressive how this sort of vocation somehow persists within an incredibly oppressive and insular church culture. One with little room for anything resembling magic and derides anything that undermines materialist thought. It’s probably because materialist science and prodestant thought share historical roots and are fundamentally the same premise of wielding empiricism with reckless abandon. And yet if for some reason you find yourself on the Michael Jordan end of the clairvoyance spectrum and happen to be an evangelical this arena becomes your weird witchy safe harbor. Magic ultimately pervades almost every part of all of our lives and it lives and breathes here amongst towering aquanet hair dews and T-H-I-C-C as fuq eyelashes.
So without further ado, here is my 7 favorite Christian prophecies regarding President Trump.
7. Trey Smith’s “Ancient Prophecy of Donald Trump”
This documentary is to youtube videos what going insane feels like to the rest of us.
The graphics and overall presentation are honestly the best I’ve ever seen done for the end of days, biblical prophecy genre. Also, it doesn’t hurt that Trey Smith is such a watchable and lovable weirdo. I couldn’t help but strap on my straight jacket and eagerly dry swallow my meds, I mean who couldn’t?
Yes, Trey has put some serious effort into his videos. He’s polished his tenuous grasp on reality into a shining beacon of semi-coherent nonsense that is much easier to watch than it is to follow. Stylistically, one can almost smell his aftershave due to the risky cinematographic decision to be way too close to his webcam throughout the entire documentary. Despite the illusion this might provide someone of Trey’s undoubtedly foggy musk, his visual prioritization serves to frame his usage of an LCD screen where he displays his slides, interviews, and video clips masterfully. It creates a sort of visual intimacy when he pulls away from the camera—when he pulls away from you—to point at the screen. Sometimes, when he’s really feeling it, he will furiously tap the monitor. His sudden diminishment in stature takes on hues of noticeable absence.
“Where are you going?” you think, “Come back!”
Trey responds, “Not yet, love,” he sighs into his mic, “I’m going… to show you the truth.”
It is an idiosyncrasy that betrays his felt sense of an ineffable certainty. One that drums from within his chest and between his ears. A certainty who’s margins is just on the edge of our awareness. At minute 49, he’s overlayed two audio tracks. One is Duel of the Fates from Star Wars Episode I. Things have never felt as serious. Consequences have never been so mutable.
This interplay between space and forms and focus creates a sense of substance that the bulk of his content ultimately betrays. There is almost a symbolic sense of tension between objective and subjective truth and the maelstrom of human experience that is sandwiched between them. The closest Trey gets to his thesis is some mention of a Nebuchadnezzar calendar, which sounds like some sort of bible code conspiracy weirdness that used to speak to my tender bits during the salad days of my faith. What is it? Was it accurate? Did it predict Trump? I… don’t know. He doesn’t actually bother explaining it.
I came away from this video intrigued, for example, I’m’ desperate to know if the Heath Ledger’s Joker and Gallagher are indeed this man’s real fathers the way I suspect they might be. Sadly, this video isn’t forthcoming with answers to that or any other question one might have. Of those questions, the most pressing might be how in the hell does it have over 3 million views. The world will never know, but it’s the clear reason why Trey made it on this list rather than someone more established in prophetic ministry. Someone like, Pastor John Hagee, for instance.
Hagee has said that God elected trump because Trump was the only candidate to ‘Bless Israel’. You know Hagee’s phoning it in when not only does he refuse to talk about Trump ever, except for this one time but also when every Republican primary candidate also “blessed” Israel if we consider unwavering, uncritical, and unquestioning support for the country a blessing.
It was lazy, it’s all John had to say on the matter, which makes me thinks Hagee was not on team MAGA in the first place. No wonder he retired last year. There is no country for old men.
Anyway, Trey’s video is perfect for ending friendships by sharing and then playing devil’s advocate on behalf of some lazy afternoon. Or, if you’re the ambitious sort planning to fake your own death or are discussing emancipating yourself from your family with a lawyer in a few months time why not give the following a shot? This video can be projected onto a screen at a nearby church or community center with everyone you know in attendance. As the video concludes, you can stand before the crowd and ask them from within the single spotlight that snapped on over a single mic, “Any questions?”
6. Think About It – “Revealed in Bible Why Donald Trump”
Think About It is a YouTube channel and website that is incredibly popular and if I had to venture a guess with who, I’d imagine the ‘Facebook After 9PM crowd’. Wink, wink, single ladies, wink wink. Why don’t you put those babies to bed and pour yourself a big ol’ glass of wine, and settle in with some spiritual insight that God has laid on some guy whose graying facial hair looks like rejected sprite from the Space Invaders arcade game.
This video made the cut because it reached a huge milestone of nearly 6 million views on YouTube. Also, I kinda love how terribly uncomfortable the man in the video makes me feel. Steve, who’s last name defies discovery, reminds me of an alcoholic fundie uncle about to explode on the family about how Obama’s the anti-christ. This is of course during Thanksgiving Dinner and only after someone had mentioned they had traveled to San Fransico for a business trip.
Everything about this video owns and I love it.
It goes like this: Steve announces how excited he is about this weird scripture he found. He then chides everyone who ever took a single verse out of context and built a doctrine out of said decontextualized verse. This is where he thinks denominations come from. In a twist no one saw coming, he becomes the Leonardo DaVinci of cognitive dissonance and proceeds to take not just one verse out of context, but in a display that would have caught Ripley’s Believe it or Not unprepared, he rips the context out from under seven verses. Careful Steve, or the ‘Neo-Presypacostal’ Denomination you just created will have a prime numbers worth of schisms, and it’s all on you, buddy. I’m just saying, think about it.
Just listen to what the book of Ezekiel…[sic] where Ezekiel was given a message from God to talk about what was going to happen to Israel and why. Now it was because of their sin. Now, if you’re a left wing liberal, you don’t think there’s any problem in America. You think everything is great and everything this president has done is great… but God doesn’t think that. In the same way God doesn’t think that what was going on in Israel at the time was great either. But listen to what Ezekiel said to the Jewish people back then and see if you don’t see the parallel and the mind boggling concidental wording that describes america today.
He cuts to a slide containing a photo of a burning American flag and a relatively short series of verses found in Ezekiel 22:23-31. He starts at verse 23 because he feels like this is somehow an accurate description of what’s happening in the country right now. Suffice to say, the situation described to Ezekiel by God building up to verse 30 can be summed up in a word: bad.
Therefore, what comes next totally validates a prophetic insight into our present moment.
Now listen to verse 30. “So I sought for a man among them who would make a wall, and stand in the gap before me on the land so I will not destroy it.”
And who was talking about making walls during the campaign? Checkmate liberals. Check. MATE.
I believe now in America, God has raised up this man. Now this isn’t political. I’m not talking anything about politics. Just forget that, just get that out of your mind. I’m talking about the uncanny, unbelievable similarity between what Ezekiel told Israel and what’s going on in this country right now. Is it a conicidence that the wording in this is to build a wall?
This video has been viewed 5.8 million times.
At 7 minutes and 10 seconds in the cinematic orchestra, Two Steps from Hell, have at least one copyright claim. At 8 minutes and 27 seconds, the Jurassic Park theme kicks in.
The logo, “Think about it” fades into the upper left corner.
“I’ll tell you, I’m gonna be honest, I believe that if we don’t help elect the guy we need in the white house who’s willing to stand in the gap, this country’s done. We’ll be destroyed just like Isreal was back in that time, and it won’t be pretty.
Now I know there’s a lot of people who are going to watch this and are going to say, “Steve, you’re just a radical right wing fanatic for Trump. This is all political for you.” No it’s not! It’s not political. This the word of God. And I’m reading the word of God exactly as its written. Look it up for yourself if you don’t believe me. Why am I saying this?
I believe when I read this that God put it on my heart to get it out, to put it on a video so you could see it. And as for as many people who do watch this. I want you to think about it.
One smash cut later, Steve is reciting the verse about Jesus casting out demons and the House Divided parable he told Pharisees when they gave him guff about it. Steve then segues into the part of the parable about binding a strong man. At this point, the totally-not-political-but-only-whats-in-the-word-of-god-video takes a hairpin turn into ‘Obama writing gun-control legislation territory’ (11:21). Steve self-congratulates himself for giving us a “double truth” by the time the video concludes. His only mistake was not taking a swipe at papal infallibility for the road.
I can’t really fault him for that. A triple truth might have been too much for any of us to handle. It’s a Masterpiece. No words. Should have sent a poet. Moving on.
5. Mark Taylor and the Commander in Chief Prophecy
This is the one that got my attention. It struck me as odd that evangelicals were not only resorting to writing prophecies about Trump but sharing them. I suspected it meant they were having a difficult time pinpointing him in the book of Revelation as easily as they had sniffed out Obama’s secret identity as immigrant, Muslim, and Anti-Christ.
The story goes that former firefighter Mark Taylor heard a voice, one he identified as God, which told him Trump would be elected POTUS. This event occurred in 2011. We’re sure of this because on his website is a PDF file that contains the original text of his prophecy. Me, curious as a cat, opened the file in adobe acrobat and dug into its metadata headers and sure enough, there it was. The PDF was a scan of a document, no question about that since the first line was kinda wavy.
The file had been created in March of 2016. So, ignoring the most flagrantly obvious theory of what happened, let’s consider another.
Mark is an old school type of guy, not a computer guy, but an athletic type who believes in God and studies diligently and keeps disciplined notes and what have you for whatever it is he’s learning this week. One day he something unusual happens during prayer or a basketball game, whenever he heard this and he knew he needed to write it down. He types it into word, prints out a copy and places it in a manilla folder labeled ‘God Chats 2011’.
His prophetic ministry wouldn’t really take off until his book started advertising anyway. But that’s the fate most prophetic ministries have. While I’m curious about whatever follows ‘Commander in Chief’ Prophecy 1′, assuming there is a 2. The Trump Prophecy book is, according to Amazon reviews, mostly his personal life story followed by his co-author, Mary Colbert taking over and writing about un-related scripture or something.
Anyway, the idea of comparing Trump to Netanyahu isn’t anywhere near the least credible thing prophesied on this list. Everything else that follows is subjective or could look different depending on who’s reading the prophecy or what exactly you define ‘Restoration’ as.
4. Jeremiah Johnson, “God’s Trumpet” and the Cyrus Anointing
This one is not a prophecy. However, it’s very special and near and dear to my heart because this is the origin point of one of the two main rationalizations evangelicals have been using to get all sorts of comfortable with someone they don’t respect morally. This Cyrus thing is how Trump has been dog whistling evangelicals.
Glenn Beck or someone on Beck’s staff discovered an article on a prophetic e-zine called Charisma Magazine discussing something sociologists studying evangelical thought have never seen before, the ‘Cyrus Anointing’, which is a special way of saying that, we’ve betrayed everything we believe in to get the W, here’s why we’re still morally justified in doing so.
Anyway, three separate pastors claim God told them about the Cyrus Anointing independently, and maybe he did, but Jeremiah Johnson was first to propose this thought and only a mere three weeks after Trump had announced his candidacy. He says
I was in a time of prayer several weeks ago when God began to speak to me concerning the destiny of Donald Trump in America. The Holy Spirit spoke to me and said,
“Trump shall become My trumpet to the American people, for he possesses qualities that are even hard to find in My people these days. Trump does not fear man nor will he allow deception and lies to go unnoticed. I am going to use him to expose darkness and perversion in America like never before, but you must understand that he is like a bull in a china closet.
Many will want to throw him away because he will disturb their sense of peace and tranquility, but you must listen through the bantering to discover the truth that I will speak through him. I will use the wealth that I have given him to expose and launch investigations searching for the truth.
Just as I raised up Cyrus to fulfill My purposes and plans, so have I raised up Trump to fulfill my purposes and plans prior to the 2016 election.
You must listen to the trumpet very closely for he will sound the alarm and many will be blessed because of his compassion and mercy. Though many see the outward pride and arrogance, I have given him the tender heart of a father that wants to lend a helping hand to the poor and the needy, to the foreigner and the stranger.”
While Johnson won’t be the one getting the book deal over the idea, Johnson was still the first to say it, even if they did delete the original article he wrote.
3. Chuck Pierce’s ‘Trump Card’
In May of 2008, Chuck Pierce prophesied that America “must play the Trump Card”, which is super weird for a whole bunch of reasons. First, because this sort of word game is actually shit that happens in seances and spirit contact which gives it the air of credibility for actual prophecy, at least in my experience, at least until you consider the horrendously toxic mentality, and hours of Eucher he must have played, that would allow for that sentence to be uttered, quoted, and repeated for a decade. Pierce decided to get on with his book tour where he quotes four other prophets that predicted trump winning, citing the improbability of his actually being elected as evidence of their own prophetic credibility.
Chuck’s super boring but he’s the first one on this list that even resembles divination so he places third.
2. Kim Clement’s 2007 Super Specific Thing that’s the Closest thing to Prophecy on this List
Three weeks after the 2016 election and several hours after the passing of Kim Clement someone posted a video of the late prophet discussing Trump and the Presidency of the United States eleven years earlier.
This isn’t some Chuck Pierce ‘oh I figured it out later bullshit’. The problem has been figuring out if this video was hoaxed or not, however after some digging, I found a transcription of the video below that google search results dated April 14, 2007. Still unconvinced, I checked the way back machine and you can find Kim’s prophecy in the internet’s archives. Neat.
“Trump shall become a trumpet,” says the Lord! “I will raise up the Trump to become a trumpet and Bill Gates to open up the gate of a financial realm for the Church,” says the Spirit of the Living God!
So here we have the earliest Trumpet reference, but there are problems. While Kim at no point names Donald Trump as a future president. He does predict some sort of disruption with the news media although he implies they will end up praising God in the manner evangelicals do. If that praise takes the form of deliberately misleading their audiences constantly, then he’s the greatest prophet in a hundred years hands down.
He also he’s in the ballpark when it comes predicts Bill and Melinda Gates “opening finance” to the church, or at least they became associated with the church in 2015. The wrong church. The Catholic Church. An organization that didn’t appreciate Melinda’s strong feelings about birth control. So, as you can imagine, there’s a reason to press pause on his presidential prophecy as well.
“I am breathing upon the political powers that be.” For God said, “I will not forget 911. I will not forget what took place that day, and I will not forget the gatekeeper that watched over New York, who will once again stand and watch over this Nation,”says the Spirit of God. “It shall come to pass that the man that I place in the highest office shall go in whispering My name.” But God said, “When he enters into the office, he will be shouting out by the power of the Spirit, for I shall fill him with My Spirit when he goes into office, and there will be a praying man in the highest seat in your land.” And God says, “Even a greater move of the Spirit shall take place and your enemies will finally be subdued by the year 2009.”
I may be stretching here, but it sounds like he was thinking of someone else would become President, and would do so starting in 2009.
Somehow the story doesn’t end there.
Kim had another prophecy in 2014 where he gets one detail so incredibly wrong that I’m willing to give him full credit because it’s the kinda thing that actually goes wrong when dealing with these sorts of transmission. Suffice to say Kim might have been the most real deal the evangelical feel ever got to thrill. I’m very serious, this is the kind of thing that makes me want to look into him more because I’m honestly surprised I’ve never heard of him until recently. His ministry definitely spanned the years I was in the church (1999-2006), so yeah, odd I’m only finding him now while writing a semi-serious listacle about the weird what-da-ma-fuckary that abounds in this unpalletable arena of Christian thought is a surprise.
They shall come when this new one arises, my David that I have set aside from this nation. A man of prayer! A man of choice words! Not a man who is verbose or with verbosity or who speaks too much. They will even say he is not speaking enough. God says, “I have set him aside, they will shout Impeach Impeach, but it will not happen.”
You can watch below, but anyone who’s either made spirit contact a discipline, or remote viewing will tell you if Kim for whatever reason got the phrase, “They will say he’s not speaking enough,” and needed to make sense of it, he may have jumped interjected the bit about this ‘David’ not speaking enough in the first place, in order to make coherence the message he was getting. That is something I imagine Trump supporters might say, or think, or feel. It may have been garbled. Who knows. Maybe he’s a total fraud.
You can watch below, I cued it up but if for some reason YouTube imps are enraged, skip to 18:10.
1. The Hermit of Loreto
If you’ve made it this far, congratulations. We’ve gone from silly to semi-serious, to probably a thing, to the Hermit of Loreto. He’s my fave because we’ll never know if this story was true or false, and it’s a story teetering on the edge of becoming… mythic? I’m breaking my theme again, but instead of drifting away from prophecy I’m drifting away from evangelicals.
He sat down next to him, introduced himself in English, and they had a wonderful conversation. So then Fr. Capoverdi fast forwards until a few weeks ago when he was talking to his old friend, the doctor, who said that back in the 1980s, Tom Zimmer had told him (the doctor) that he had received a “premonition” and that he (Tom) believed that a certain man would lead America back to God. And that man would be none other than Donald J. Trump.”
This one is Catholic and it is super neat. Anyway, the bulk of this article is a different priest trying to verify the story in the video below. It possesses a certain type of beauty. Something even about the rigor Catholic tradition requires for the investigation of prophecy is distinctively wholesome in a way that seems unwinds the tension a lot of the other items on this cause me.
“In the video, an American priest — Fr. Giacomo Capoverdi — recounts how he encountered this holy man who lived in Loreto. He says that some seventeen years ago, a friend of his — an Italian American doctor named Claudio Curran — told him that he had to get up to Loreto on his upcoming trip to Rome to speak with a holy man there by the name of Tom Zimmer. He said this “hermit”, an American layperson, had left everything behind in the US to live in Loreto as a hermit. He added that he was very prayerful and had written a book, “Pieta’” which sold upwards of “ten million copies.” Fr. Capoverdi says that after arriving in Rome, he indeed took a train up to Loreto and went inside the basilica where he saw an elderly gentleman, hunched over, sitting on the floor next to the Holy House in prayer.”
What comes next? Who knows. I’m waiting for someone to quote Song of Songs in a Trumpian context. But I’m no prophet. I’m just a guy who reads tarot and sometimes knows things.